I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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