if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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