She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
