I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
