i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
try to milk me bitch
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
