i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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