I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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