I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
