i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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