So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
