by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
