i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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