Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
