Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
