Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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