my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
