told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
