I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
