So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
why is half of my head shaved?
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