He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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