and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
