if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
