I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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