if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
