Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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