Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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