Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize