We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
And then he peed in my hair
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