she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
