I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
