No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
