You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
