i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
