She is in my trunk
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
