Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
