Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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