I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
