He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
