im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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