Umm I'm too high to move.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
