You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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