I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
