I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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