Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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