does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Everything about him screamed your future.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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