I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
