I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
