I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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