1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
How does one acquire holy water?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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