everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
