I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
