dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
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you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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