JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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