If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
