I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
