sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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