You're so nebulous sometimes
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
