I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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