Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
