woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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