All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
