Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
