last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
