hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
